


Patrice: The Eager SHIELD Agent

by littlesolo



Category: How I Met Your Mother, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-15 04:25:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 7,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2215761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlesolo/pseuds/littlesolo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SHIELD agent Patrice is the little agent that could.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

SHIELD agent Patrice is the little agent that could.  She is a kind person but also good at her job.  It's why Director Fury assigned her to be one of AD Hill's assistants.  She missed being out in the field but she admired Assistant Director Hill so much and she was always so busy.  She felt honored that she had been chosen to help lighten the woman's load.  

Maria did not see it this way.  Seeing as how nothing ever got put on her desk unless it had the potential to be a cluster fuck or already was one, she found Patrice's never ending happiness grating.  When Natasha was away on missions and they went bad ( _when didn't a mission Nat was on go bad?  I mean really, was Nat's red hair to a war lord like a red flag to a bull?_ ) Patrice had offered her bon bons.  If there was any food that made her look less like a capable director and more like a falling apart girlfriend, it was bon bons.  Patrice managing to get a chocolate smear on one of her screens didn't help either.  

She'd been talking to Nat in recovery when Patrice burst through the door with what could only be described as the largest neon green stuffed bear ever.  It was nearly as big as Patrice herself, and Maria couldn't fathom how the agent had gotten it on the Helicarrier much less gotten it all the way to the medical bay.  Patrice plopped the creature in Maria's lap, (nearly suffocating her while knocking her from her chair at the same time) and said she hadn't meant to intrude, she just wanted to stop by and wish Natasha a speedy recovery.  

It took both Natasha and Maria's combined efforts to get the bear off her.  


	2. Chapter 2

To burn off stress, Maria heads to the firing range. She finds the scent of gunpowder without there being any threat soothing. A way to relax her nerves that are seemingly always on high alert since nothing that is ever really small and you're fooling yourself if you think something is no big deal. Everything turns urgent or high risk at one point or another whether it's a child developing "gifted" abilities or Tony Stark with a new invention.  

Maria is reloading her gun when she noticed the presence of another shooter. She'd been so focused, she couldn't tell you when they'd shown up. Something not ideal for in the field and Maria mentally chastised herself for letting her guard down that low. 

She admires the person's shooting accuracy and is about to comment on it when she turns to left and sees them. 

 ** _Patrice_**.  

"This is so much fun! A good way to let off steam, you know?" yells Patrice, forgetting that she has the noise muffling earmuffs on. She also moved her whole stance towards Maria when she spoke, gun included. Maria frantically moved out of the gun barrel's way before giving her a brisk nod.  

This wasn't happening.  The firing range was her refuge.  She only went when it was mostly empty, like when most people were watching Nat and Steve spar!  

During Loki's attack on the Helicarrier, Patrice wasn't made into one of his monkeys and kept his soldiers from taking the weapons corridor.  Later when SHIELD fell she took out three members of the STRIKE team.  Maria is thankful to have her as an ally, but still bitter that she took her stress free refuge, especially since she was the source of most of Maria's stress.  


	3. Chapter 3

Maria and Natasha are a couple. They have been for sometime now. No one really talks about it but it's common knowlegde. Also, who'd really want to tease them and risk their rather? So no one mentions it. Not when Natasha is injured, or Maria is sick, or they have a disagreement.  

No one except Patrice.  

"Someone's anniversary is coming up!" says the agent in a sing song voice. As if it was something Maria was going to forget. Maria had simply assumed certain things weren't for her. An ordinary job wasn't for her, she wanted to serve her country. That's when SHIELD found her. She couldn't remember exactly when, but at some point she had decided love wasn't for her either. She'd been used twice. Once as a stepping stone and once for fun. It was sometime after the last relationship that Maria became known to new agents as an ice queen bitch, but that was fine. Icicles were deadly and so was hypothermia. She'd overheard Patrice making some comment about Natasha being the fire hot enough to burn through her icy walls and had nearly made her gag. And desperately wish for a different comparison. Like walls of steel, was that taken? 

What she hadn't needed was Patrice creating a magical and rose themed countdown to her anniversary. She always had Pepper remind her on the rare instance she forgot. Actually, Pepper reminded them both. Natasha meant so much to her it was frightening at times. She hadn't known she could care this much about another person. To a certain degree, the were both a little emotionally stunted and were figuring out things together. Well, Maria did run to Sharon for help sometimes (which sometimes resulted in advice from Aunt Peggy if that's where Maria caught up with Sharon. Aunt Peggy was proud of Maria for making sure SHIELD continued to stand for what it should) and Natasha ran to Pepper when she got overwhelmed by her emotions. 

Maria was smiling down at her phone at a text message Nat had just sent her as she entered her office and closed the door behind her. She looked up to see an led gadget that counted down the days down to the seconds until her anniversary. With flickering red hearts on either side. Maria took a picture of it and sent it to Natasha. 

**Nat: What the hell is THAT?**

**MHill: what. You don't love our new countdown display from PATRICE!!!!!!! MY DOOR WAS FUCKING LOCKED**

Maria makes it to her anniversary but only because Coulson and Melinda run interference between Maria and Patrice.  

 


	4. Chapter 4

Maria was very good at her job. She was very focused and was the one you went to when you wanted a job done right. Natasha was away on a mission, but she knew that her girl friend was working on something big for Fury and wasn't texting her so that Maria could stay focused. While working long hours on projects like this, Maria also tended to stay in her quarters on the helicarrier so that she could get right back to work in the morning.  

To Patrice, these were all signs of trouble at home. When Patrice asked Sharon about it, she was told that Maria had a lot on her plate right now and just needed to be left alone. Patrice took that to mean that Maria and Romanov had broken up. She had thought the ex-KGB spy had actually cared for her boss, but she must be as cold and heartless as people said. Well, Patrice wouldn't have her boss wallowing with a broken heart.  

Maria was in her office when Nick Fury burst in and asked what the hell she was thinking. This was one of the instances when Maria was being one hundred percent truthful when she said she had no idea what he was talking about. He slapped a pile of papers onto her desk. Looking through them, Maria saw they were dating websites with- **WAS THAT HER PICTURE?**   
"I had Fitz take them down before people saw them, but it was Potts who brought them to my attention, thank god for her PR oriented mind.  She has yours and a few others flagged for if they appear on the web" added Fury, his arms crossed.   
"Sir, I didn't do this! Natasha is just on a mission but we're fine!" whispered Hill, her face turning red. Of all the conversations she never wanted to have with her boss, this was definitely one of them. He nodded and assured her Fitz would get to the bottom of it and left.  

Maria forgot about the incident quickly once she got back to work. The Avengers initiative was something that had to be handled very delicately, especially since it involved the God of Thunder. If it wasn't for Sharon dropping off food and dragging her out for meals every so often, she would have probably starved. Maria had spotted Patrice watching her eating lunch with Sharon and how she smiled in her overly happy creepy way and waved before leaving. Maria had just shrugged it off.  

Patrice thought it was nice that Maria was dating someone who appreciated her enough to take care of her.  

When Natasha returned Patrice gave her the evil eye whenever she saw her. Maria walked past Romanov in the hallway without giving her a second glance, her focus on her tablet. Natasha turned to say something but got distracted by the grin on Patrice's face as Sharon guided Natasha away for a chat.  

It came to Maria's attention later that Patrice had been intentionally keeping Natasha away from her. Sharon had been astounded when Patrice had told her that she thought she and Maria made a wonderful couple, better than she'd been with Romanov. She told this to Maria once she'd recovered from her stunned silence.  

Maria was absolutely seething. She called Patrice into her office. Maria's yelling at Patrice could be heard on the command floor, rendering it silent. Up until that point of course, no one had known about the dating profiles. (Natasha had found out from Pepper and had been thoroughly confused). And Sharon? Sharon was...well, disturbed since the thought of them being romantically involved seemed incestuous when you considered the fact that they were practically sisters. They'd known each other before SHIELD ever put them through the academy. Aunt Peggy had decided, back when she was more together, that Maria was an honorary member of their family, since Maria had none of her own. Patrice must have been trying to explain herself because moments later AD Hill's voice boomed " ** _NO ONE ASKED YOU PATRICE!_** "  

When the door opened, Patrice walked out and back to her desk. Everyone abruptly returned to their work and the incident was never spoken again, fearing Hill's wrath might fall on them.  Patrice knew that wasn't really her boss talking. It was the stress of the project she was working on. Once she got some rest this weekend she'd be fine and she'd have her usual boss on Monday again.  

Natasha slipped into Maria's office to find Maria with her elbows propped on her desk and rubbing circles on her temples with her eyes closed. She locked the door behind her and then slipped behind her lover and began kissing up her neck. 

"I missed you. And now at least the dating profiles make sense" said Natasha from behind Maria. Maria turned her head so quickly it looked like it hurt, and made Nat wince. Maria pulled the spy into her lap. Natasha may have said it with an off hand tone, but Maria could tell she had been really worried. 

"If were ever going to break up, I would do it face to face and tell you why. And smack me if I ever resort to something as idiotic as online dating. As if our jobs haven't shown us the many ways that can go wrong" said Maria. Natasha nodded and then looked away. When she looked back at her she seemed to be looking for something in Maria's eye and Maria held her gaze unflinchingly letting her look. Satisfied with what she'd found, Natasha pulled Maria in for a long kiss that grew more and more heated before Maria pulled away. 

"Not- not here" said Maria breathlessly.

"I locked the door" replied Natasha as she reached for her again and started kissing up her throat. Maria let it go on but then took a deep breath and pulled away again. 

"That didn't stop Patrice last time. She broke in figuring I'd locked it by mistake. How were they supposed to leave stuff for me if my door was locked? Point being I really don't need Patrice to break in while we're having sex" explained Maria as she locked her desk and shut down her computer.

Natasha agreed, it having conjured a horrible image in her head, and then followed Maria was they casually made their way to Maria's quarters.

At a slightly hurried pace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

AD Hill wasn't called on for missions as often anymore but when she was, she was every bit the experienced agent she was trained to be.  She returned from her most recent mission having suffered a knife wound.  Specifically a scalpel to her forearm.  She had pulled the scalpel from her arm and shoved it into her attacker's jugular.  Unfortunately, Stark had seen the whole thing since he had been on the mission as well.  He had also just watched Resident Evil Afterlife on the plane ride to there drop.  So now he was calling her Project Alice.  

As AD Hill the wound wasn't too bad. Medical had released her already and she'd promised no strenuous activity with her left arm. She was ready to go back to work.  

As Maria, are you KIDDING? IT WENT THROUGH FUCKING MUSCLE! OF COURSE IT HURTS! IT HURTS! IT HURTS! IT HURTS! But the only people skilled enough to read that on her face were Sharon, Natasha, and Phil.  

Oh, and Patrice.  

Which was why she had called in a favor from Jenkins and given him most of her work load for the day. She was planning on making sure AD Hill looked after her arm. Four hours later, Maria had hit her arm a total of thirty six times. Steve didn't understand why Maria didn't like Patrice, and neither did Fury for that matter. Of course they didn't, Patrice made them muffins. Patrice made her muffins too, but she was allergic to almonds. They wouldn't kill her or jeopardize a mission, they just made her throat itch like crazy for a few hours. But they saw Patrice as some sweet little agent and couldn't imagine why Maria didn't like her. They didn't know that she had gone to Sharon twice and Natasha once so far to change her bandages due to the precious agent.  

Patrice had managed to get her arm caught in her office door, a car door, knock it into her monitor displays, the conference table, and a office chair. And that was only naming a few. Maria texted Clint to give him an update on her Patrice induced injury count. This is where things got complicated. Natasha hadn't been a believer of jinxes and that sort of thing until she'd seen the effect Patrice had on Maria. Maria normally couldn't stand people that were possessive, but in this case she was willing to make an exception since if things with Patrice continued it was likely she wouldn't be standing at all. She just needed Clint nearby to make sure the problem wasn't solved with bullets or anything else lethal.  

When Maria got home with Natasha that night, she made Natasha go in first.  

"She's not here, right?  This place is Patrice-free?"  

Natasha nodded her head and took her exhausted girlfriend to the couch where she tucked her in with a blanket and the remote while she fixed them something to eat.  She'd call Sharon after dinner and ask if they could get some sort of hard brace for Maria in the morning.  Hell, she'd go to Stark if she had to.  At this rate Maria would lose her arm in a freak paper hole punching accident before the wound ever got a chance to heal.  No.  She'd have her girlfriend alive and with all her limbs, thank you.  

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Maria sees as she walks to her office one morning and it sends her fleeing to find Melinda. Fortunately, this is one of the few days Melinda is on the Helicarrier and Maria finds her in the cafeteria having coffee and an oatmeal cream pie. Maria had yanked her from her seat (May managing to save her pie, forget the coffee but she'll be damned if she let's her Little Debbie treat go to waste. She earned it) and drags her to her office. Maria points out the offending object before closing and locking her door. She then proceeds to offer Melinda everything from a life time supply of oatmeal cream pies to her kidney, should she ever need it, if May would make it against Helicarrier Command Floor policy to keep things on their desks. Melinda can make that work. In the event of turbulence or an air battle the last thing they need is their own internal debris. She could also see the reasons for Maria's fear, having witnessed some of the encounters herself.  

After lunch a memo was in everyone's email inbox requesting the removal of excess items from their desk if they worked on the Command Floor or Bridge. With a sigh, Patrice set her Maria Hill bobble head into her desk drawer to take home. Oh well. 

Although it was gone from the work, Maria still felt uneasy that Patrice owned the toy.  Or as she'd dubbed it "Her own Maria Hill voodoo doll".  Maybe she'd have Nat steal it for her own personal safety.  


	7. Chapter 7

Even when she wasn't acting as an agent of SHIELD, Maria liked to remain anonymous.  

This was exceedingly difficult to do when you were being life flighted.  

All she had done was ask Duncan down at the garage to check the brakes on her car, they didn't seem to be working right and might be in need of a change. Both possibilities were a result of Natasha using her car for getaways, but she kept that tidbit to herself. But that's all she'd done. A simple task. He'd had no problem giving the task over to Patrice when she'd apparently said that she'd take care of her boss's car personally.  

If Maria wasn't in a body cast later (fingers crossed!) she was going to process Duncan's paper work herself.  

He was so fucking fired. 

Patrice had taken Maria's car to "her guy" and he'd made her brakes extra grabby. Pepper was riding with Natasha behind her in Nat's car since Nat had somewhere to be after lunch (not asking questions was always safest). A dog had darted out in front of the car and Maria had naturally slammed on the brakes.  

And her car flipped.  

Four times. 

Maria felt that she'd smashed every part of her body on the inside of her car. Even her pinkys, eye sockets, the inside of her belly button, they all hurt. They would later tell her she landed in a ravine, top side down. Natasha remained by her side the whole time, intimidating the medics and making them tell her exactly what they were doing. Once the pilot recognized Natasha, they quit the usual patient's rights stuff and told the Black Widow anything she wanted to know. Maria kept tapping Nat's thigh and Natasha bent down and smiled at her as she reassured her that the dog was fine. That was the last thing Maria remembered before waking up in her hospital room.  

* * *

She heard later that Patrice had adopted the dog.  She wished the creature luck.  

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Officially, no one remembers how it started. Unofficially, Sam came across a blue handball and kicked over to Sharon.  

And so it began.  

The teams were Natasha and her guys Clint and Steve against Maria and Sharon and Sam. Their game of street hockey was taking place in the armored motor pool garage area, since it had the most empty space and the vehicles could handle bullets much less a few blows from a rubber ball. For some unknown reason Patrice was acting as score keeper and ref. Patrice was still alive due to Pepper explaining the consequences of killing her, mainly that they'd be suspects one and two for multiple reasons. Clint managed to scrounge up six hockey sticks from somewhere and the game was on.  

* * *

 

Natasha discovered that Maria was more than a little competitive, which was kind of hot and was actually providing her with a challenge. Sharon was too. If she remembered correctly, Sharon had said she played a lot with her cousins and younger brother. She moved around Steve with ease and if it hadn't been for Clint's quick reflexes as their goalie, they'd be doomed. She had to hand to Sharon though. She'd gone down hard but gotten up as if she hadn't just left a good chunk of her skin on the concrete. Sam moved as easily as he flew but Steve some how anticipated his moves whenever he tried to do something solo.  

The ball ricocheted off one of the trucks and hit Maria on the side of the head, but what hurt more was the shrill way Patrice yelled " **TIME OUT!** "  Patrice ran over and checked Maria to see if she had a concussion.  Natasha was initially concerned but then she notes how handsy Patrice is being with Maria, despite Maria stating she's fine.  She looks around her and grabs Sharon before shoving her forward.  "Why don't we let an actual medical professional look at it, _hmm?_ "  Steve turns and looks at Sharon, his eyebrows raised.  

"You're actually a nurse?"

"No, but if you need medical treatment short of intensive trauma surgery in the field, I'm your girl" answers Sharon as looks at Maria's face. There might be slight swelling, but they're all going to have bruises from Maria if they don't get back to playing. 

* * *

The score is seven to five with Natasha's team losing. Maria's been yelling at Patrice but it's been making Natasha happy. 

"OH C'MON PATRICE! THAT WAS SO OUT OF BOUNDS!"

"ARE YOU BLIND PATRICE?"

WHAT THE HELL, PATRICE!?"

Except the one time Patrice does make a call, Maria gets hit with Steve's elbow and shoulder and thrown a bit sideways where she hits her face into one of the large mirrors on the trucks.  There is a river of blood coming from Maria's forehead now but at least everyone there knows head wounds bleed like crazy.  

Everyone but Patrice apparently.

But Steve and Sam knew Patrice was just this side of a snapped neck and escorted her back with Clint to put away the equipment.  Sharon got some gauze from one of the med kits in the trucks and once she cleaned and got the blood to stop, she closed it with a few butterfly strips.  

* * *

Natasha walks with Maria back to her office, poking at Maria's cheek as she pouts at the game having ended.   
"Your team was winning you know" reminds Natasha. Maria continues to pout, if not more so.   
"One thing I happen to be better at than you and we can't even finish the game because of _Patrice_ " grumbles Maria. Natasha hides her grin when she rests her forehead against Maria's shoulder.   
"I guess we'll just have to play again then."

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Natasha and Maria are lounging in their sleep wear in one of Natasha's many alias' apartments when there is a knock on the door.  Sharing a confused look, both women reach for guns that are stashed near by.  Opening the door they find Patrice.  

_What?_

Patrice is standing there decked out in winter gear and holding a Russian phrase book from which she utters: "' _Good day, we are from the embassy_ ' Our plane leaves in two hours Maria."  

" _Geez, Patrice!_ I know! Give me fifteen minutes!" yells Maria before slamming the door in Patrice's face.

"Her accent is horrible" mutters Natasha.  

"Focus, Nat! I'm going to a foreign country with no one but Patrice. I may not be coming back in anything but a casket" explains Maria as she signs into her laptop with biometric scans.  

"It's Russia, Maria" says Nat with a shrug "She could literally fall into a hole in the sidewalk." 

"So could I. And then die under the cement mix Patrice pours in thinking it'll boost me to the top!" hisses Maria, remembering just in time that Patrice is on the other side of the door. " _How did she even find us?_ This apartment is _unlisted_! It's under one of your _unlisted_ alias' that has nothing to do with me!" 

"I'm taking comfort in the fact that you know better Russian" says Natasha as she finishes packing Maria's bag for a two day trip. It turns out it had been planned. Maria's face goes red.  

"Thankfully, I know more than just the Russian that you've taught me."  Natasha just smirks.  

Maria swings open the door, having changed into jeans and whatever else Nat gave her, and looks at Patrice who is all bundled up for the arctic circle. 

"They only room we could get was a double" says Patrice. Natasha stops smirking. Maria groans. 

"I'm sure I'll love the lobby and they'll have a couch and not a love seat" Maria tells herself aloud as she trudges behind Patrice.  

* * *

Two days later she comes home and curls into Natasha's arms, unwilling to let go for anything other than one of them having to use the bathroom or get food. She's never going back to Russia without Natasha and her body is not built for love seats.  

Patrice brought back at least four gigs of photos and a snow globe.  One of those photos features AD Hill uncomfortably scrunched on a love seat.  


	10. Chapter 10

Things are getting back to normal after New York and Loki. It had certainly pushed Maria to her limit though. That's not say that she couldn't do damage of her own in a fight, but there were moments where she'd been....concerned.

The tunnel cave in hadn't been a problem until it came to getting her out. Phil had left with Fury on the chopper so it was up to someone left behind to organize her rescue. Someone chose _Patrice_. Maria had done the math three times in her head just to be sure, but there was no way her jeep could make it through the remaining rubble and she wasn't going to risk blindly walking back without someone telling her it was safe first. It was two hours of the shittiest game of Marco Polo ever. Over walkie talkies. Which, yes, defeated the purpose of yelling the phrase, but that didn't deter Patrice and her shrill little voice and large lungs.  

When she was back on the helicarrier, Natasha shoved her in her office to inspect her wounds, even though she'd just come straight from medical. She wrapped her arms around the concerned assassin, not minding the slight height difference even if it meant it pulled at the bruises on her back.

"We'll get Barton back" she murmured to Natasha. She felt the redhead nod.  

"I know, but not at the expense of losing you" answered Natasha as she looked into her eyes and then pulled her into a deep kiss.  

* * *

Back out on the bridge she felt more sure of herself, more in control again. And then chaos broke out again. The Hulk chasing Natasha through the core of the carrier. Barton knocking out the computer systems. Grenades and gunfire. The God of Mischief and blood. Maria held Natasha once more in her office before she and the others took off for New York. Maria could feel Natasha still trembling, her fingers still shaking. She'd mentally whispered a plead for her love to come back to her safe as the jet took off.  

* * *

She'd been scared during the battle. It doesn't make you a coward to admit that you're scared, it makes you an idiot not to be. It's a lesson Fury taught her early on, though probably with few curse words. The gunfire and grenades she'd been ready for. In fact it was simply like riding a bike again. After so many missions and training and then just sparring with Natasha and sometimes Clint, her body simply reacted naturally.  

What she hadn't been prepared for was, for lack of a better term, friendly fire she got from Patrice who was behind her. Now, all of Patrice's maneuvers would have worked if Maria and two other agents hadn't been in front of her. Still, she never changed her position or her tactics. As a result, Maria's vision became obscured by a smoke grenade that also brought tears to her eyes, burns on her neck and back from the casings from Patrice's gun as they were ejected, and nearly bashed in the head with a chair. However, Patrice did go off and managed to keep the turned soldiers from entering the weapons corridor. Maria was just glad to have made it out without a truly embarrassing story of how she got an injury or was killed that would be read by Fury at her funeral. She could almost picture it: "her throat was frozen shut with the spray from a fire extinguisher by an agent who in the heat of battle mistook her for the enemy" and everyone would mental think to themselves: _Patrice_.  

* * *

The nuke had frightened her more than she knew anything could. She nearly shook with relief when they heard Natasha's voice say the portal was closed. Patrice slapped her on the back she was so happy. It still took everything in Maria just to not slap her. Natasha had just returned to the helicarrier and they were pressed against the locked door in Maria's office with Natasha working her hands under Maria's top and Maria's fingers in Natasha's hair, sharing a deep kiss, when Patrice knocked on the door.  

"The WSC would like to speak with you now!" yelled Patrice through the door.   _Was she assuming Maria had gone deaf?_ Maria let her head fall on to Natasha's shoulder. She wanted to cry. She wanted to tell the WSC and Patrice and everybody else to shove it because they'd all almost died and she was spending time with her girlfriend who was still alive, no thanks to the fucking WSC.  

"I'm pretty sure you can't say that" replies Natasha. Oh. She hadn't known she was grumbling aloud. "I'll be waiting in your bunk though. It'll give me a chance to get all this dirt and grime off" says Natasha with a kiss. Maria pulls her into another deep kiss before letting her go. She opens her office door to find Patrice waiting all of four feet away to escort her.

God damnit.


	11. Chapter 11

Things have been going pretty well recently.  

Well, that's just the over all picture really. But it's true! All operatives have been coming back from successful missions with minimal injury.  

Maria Hill is another matter. When she isn't on a mission or sparring or doing something else SHIELD related, Natasha likes to spend her down time in Maria's office. Usually it's very relaxing and she likes taking naps on the couch, but lately...well it hasn't been boring.  

Patrice had raced in the other day to give Maria the latest intel report (before she requested it, but she was just about to). As she raced out again, she slammed the door hard and one of the binders full of SHIELD documents of some sort fell from the bookcase behind her and struck Maria in the head.  

The week only got worse from there.  

Two days later, Maria went down to the research and development area, having been asked there by Fitz Simmons earlier in the week. Natasha ran all the way to the infirmary. Somehow, Patrice had managed to accidentally hit Maria with three of Natasha's taser discs at once. Neither of the young scientists were sure how that had happened or why they were even out, but the sight of Maria in the medical bed nearly made Natasha see red.  

Which is why Clint and Bruce locked them in.  

By the time Maria came around, Natasha had cooled off knowing it had been as intentional as the binder the other day.  

The next day Natasha and Fitz tried to explain it to Fury. They begged him not to hold the meeting with Patrice. Fury stated that wasn't possible since she'd been the once gathering all the intel.

Patrice entered the meeting midway through. Maria went to open the door for her since her arms were full of files, but Patrice backed into the door hard and sent the heavy glass right into Maria's face where it hit her nose with a crack that had everyone at the table wincing. Maria bent over and cupped her hands around her nose to try and stop the the river of blood coming from her nose, only to have Patrice shove her in a chair and push her head backwards. Now Maria felt like she was swallowing pints of blood. Oh goodie. Patrice's hands on her face was unsettling but not nearly as much as when she popped her nose back into place with another loud crack.

A little warning would have been nice. As well as having it done by a medical professional. Or just about anybody else. She'd let Fury do it with his huge hands before she would have ever considered Patrice. Her eyes were now welling with tears from the ordeal and all she really wanted to do was send Patrice flying through the door she just came through face first. Instead Fury suggested she take a long weekend and that Natasha drive her home and take time off as well. Maria would have sulked but her face hurt too much.  

Patrice managed to knock the wind out of her when she tried to get all her binders out of Maria's way.


	12. Chapter 12

Patrice had crossed the line.  

And Natasha had just had a twenty dollar bill changed into quarters.  

Patrice had gotten a high score on the TMNT arcade game at the bar near work. Erasing Maria as the high score holder.  

It had started when a local kid named Pest caught Maria as they walked from the garage towards the office building that they were currently leasing for an operation. He was the coolest British kid Natasha knew and he kept an eye out for things. More than once he'd called their attention to "gifted" kids who were in need of help or homes.  

"Oy! April O'Neil! Some lady beat your high score last night!"  Maria stopped so abruptly Natasha nearly slammed into her back, she managed to keep from doing so by catching herself on Maria's shoulders.  

"What?"

In the most regulation about face Natasha had ever seen, Maria had all but marched over to the bar and then straight over to the game.  

 _Patrice_.  

There were very few small pleasures that Maria still held on to from when she was younger and arcade games was one of them.  She would not let Patrice of all people take this from her like she did the firing range!

The first quarter went in at nine that morning. By ten she had Natasha call Sharon to come and help her. Natasha wasn't allowed to play arcade games due to her irritation with the slow button response time. The only reason there _was_ a TMNT game was because Natasha shot the Contra game that had been there before.  

Thankfully, it was only one in the afternoon when Maria regained her title.  

As well as the next three spots, just to be safe.  


	13. Chapter 13

Darcy had declared another girls night out and so Maria, Natasha, Sharon, and Jane were all at a club that Darcy had found. (Think the club from Black Swan, Chemical Brothers music included). Natasha hadn't expected to enjoy herself so much but she discovered that Maria could dance. Like legitimately dance. It was rare that she found someone that she could just move fluidly with. The last guy that tried to dry hump her had just learned that he'd have to go through life with one testicle and had done a good job of dissuading others. 

Maria was already swaying to the beat when Natasha spotted her.  The colored lights that Natasha would normally find irritating, gave Maria a bit of an ethereal look about her.  Maria had already lost herself in the music but with a few death glares and a few fingers on Maria's shoulder to let her know who it was, and Natasha found Maria taking her hand and spinning her around so they were face to face.  

Although they'd been together for a while now, the kind of smile on Maria's face was a rarity to see. It wasn't a smile of happiness from an excess of alcohol or of exhaustion it was of actual happiness. The two of them moved together naturally, the music and lights surrounding them like a barrier, separating them from everyone else. Natasha looped her arms around Maria's neck and pulled her closer. She closed her eyes and shivered as she felt Maria's hands glide from her shoulders and down her back to rest at her hips, the tips of her fingers skimming the top of her ass.  

Maria was grinning at her with that sexy little smirk of hers when they both heard it. 

" ** _Hey Maria!_** "  

For the love of _Thor_! This was not happening! Why, why of  all places, _WHY_ was Patrice here?  

"Kiss me" said Maria as she backed them out of the lights and towards the darkened wall. Natasha didn't need to be told twice. She also knew that it would probably deter Patrice, but she would never say no to kissing Maria. She was working her way down Maria's jaw and towards her throat, Maria's fingers digging into the hair at the back of her neck and slightly tugging as her thigh rose between Natasha's legs.  

"Maria! Wow! I didn't know you could dance like that! I mean Natasha, I think I heard someone say you took ballet? But wow! You both were really good out there!" says Patrice, unfazed by the clearly private moment. Maria was resting her head on Natasha's shoulder, trying to get her breath back.  

"Patrice, you and I need to work on boundaries and what they are. Maybe during a _sparring_ session" growled Natasha.  

"Hey! Who killed the groove mood?" asked Darcy as she made her way over with Sharon and Jane.  

"Ah, Darcy, Jane, this is Patrice" said Sharon by way of introduction. Patrice gave Jane and Darcy a once over and turned back to Maria and Natasha. Jane and Darcy already didn't like Patrice based on what they'd heard, and Patrice's judgey look didn't help things.  

"Hey Jane, let's buy Patrice a drink!" announced Darcy. Sharon and Jane spun round to see if Darcy had lost her mind.  

"Really?" asked Patrice, sounding like a child who said they could open a present before Christmas.  

"Why not? With any luck one of us will get alcohol poisoning and have to get her stomach pumped!" exclaimed Darcy, her voice full of over the top enthusiasm while her hand pointed at Patrice behind her head. Natasha smirked as Maria tugged on her hand and led her out of the club, Jane and Sharon wishing them a goodnight.  

 

They certainly planned to have one.


	14. Chapter 14

Clint got Natasha one of those alarm clocks that sends off a helicopter that you have to shoot down to turn it off. He attached Patrice's face to each copter as a joke.  

Maria sent him to do sentry duty deep in the jungle. Last count was that he'd been food for five leeches and too many other bites to count.  

Although, it's not entirely his fault Natasha used real bullets. Still, it had been an unpleasant way for Maria to wake up and the casings burned holes in their sheets. Their Egyptian cotton sheets.  


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For swarm012

They'd just come off an undercover mission that was more Stepford Wives than either Maria or Natasha were comfortable with. Granted that was due to someone's experiment (wasn't it always?) and they'd put a stop to it, but it turned out that some of the wives had been more pleasant as drones. the incessant whining had both of them debating whether tasing would be justifiable.  

There was still the paper work left to do and they figured they should at least start on it while they remembered some of the names. Maria made her way into her office and shut the door. She didn't notice the way Patrice's head seemed to appear at the edge of the foot bridge. Or how Patrice's gaze zeroed in on the ring finger on her left hand. The squeal that Patrice let out, despite her hands covering her mouth, could only be heard by dogs but a large crack suddenly formed in Jasper Sitwell's glasses.  

* * *

Natasha strode in about two hours later and Patrice all but pounced on her.  

"Oh Em GEE! I can't believe it you two actually did it! This is so EXCITING! Oh, but I'm guessing you two haven't told everyone yet" said Patrice, her face practically bursting with excitement. Natasha was completely bewildered. There was something here she was missing.... She spotted Sharon on down the hall and cocked her head to get her to help her. The minute she got there Patrice was on her too. "Oh! How long have you known? You must be in on all the planning!" Sharon looked at Natasha who just shook her head in puzzlement. Then she spotted the ring. Natasha followed Sharon's line of sight and her eyes took on a look of absolute terror.  

The _rings_! They'd forgotten to take off the RINGS! She and Sharon both looked over towards Maria's office but the black cover sealing her office window meant that her office was secured and currently soundproofed. No amount of screaming for help would get her out of whatever top SHIELD business she'd just gotten dragged into. Natasha got a hold of Sharon's wrist and was not letting go. Neither was Patrice apparently, because she gleefully tugged Natasha and Sharon towards the cafeteria.  

"--oh and the _flowers_! Well I guess that would depend on whether it's an indoor wedding or an outdoor wedding. At least we know it's not a shotgun wedding" said Patrice with a laugh.  

"Shot gun?"asked Natasha, the weapon name pulling her out of a self induced trance. Patrice had been talking for the better part of an hour. Sharon had tried to go for help, but Natasha was not letting go anytime soon. Coulson had seen them and gone off to try and get Maria.  

Meanwhile, Patrice had taken it upon herself to plan their entire wedding.

In her head.  

It was really quite extravagant. Doves, a three tier french made cake - imported, a case of wine that she'd never heard of... but it was white and that was really too dry for her and Maria's taste, they much preferred red. Natasha would mention that except for the frantic shaking of Sharon's head. She's right, who knows what could set this lady off.  

Director Fury tapped Natasha on the shoulder, startling everyone at the table. She spotted Coulson a few feet behind him and let out a deep breath.  

"Romanov, I'm going to need that engagement ring back from your undercover assignment with Hill. You two decide to have a real go at it, I expect at least some cake. A big to do or small ceremony, I know you two are going to have a cake" said Fury as he held out his hand. Patrice let out an "awww" and Sharon apologized and said that she hadn't had the heart to stop her and that she'd keep all of Patrice's ideas in mind.  

Patrice dejectedly returned to work and Natasha saw that the security conditions on Maria's office had been lifted. She quickly darted inside and locked the door.  

She found Maria fiddling with the now empty ring finger.  

"Would it be stupid of me to wish it was real?" asked Maria in a timid voice. Natasha got up and turned Maria in her chair so that they were face to face.  

"No. The mission may have caused me to give it some thought as well. In fact, Director Fury gave us his blessing when he collected my ring. All he asks is that we send him some cake. He knows us. We'll have a cake. Although, Patrice spotted the ring and abducted me and Sharon for an hour to tell us all about our wedding that she's already planned out. So, when we do this, can she be on a deep undercover assignment in Siberia?"  

"You said _when_."  

"Yup. Why? You have other plans?" asked Natasha as she gave Maria a teasing kiss.  

"Office: secure conditions. Nope" answered Maria as the office went back into lockdown mode (a new installation in her office, Fury's orders). She then pulled Natasha into a deep kiss and further on to her lap.

The email titled **Wedding Ideas!** would remain in her inbox unread until much later, where it would be still unread and promptly deleted.


End file.
